Confessions of a she-man

Pregnancy does a real number on your body, it's a fact.
The first time I realized this was after Hayley was born. I went to the bathroom on myself and hadn't even felt it coming. True story. It actually happened.

The belly sometimes shrinks down to size (often times not) and the extra weight can sometimes be lost (often times not) but there are a whole SLEW of other special trademarks that pregnancy is known for leaving behind.

One of them is called "the Mask"
It's called such because the pigment in your face gets especially dark during pregnancy leaving splotches of darkened skin around your forehead, underneath your eyes, and here's my favorite: on your upper lip.

This time around, I got the mask, with extra emphasis on the upper lip.
Essentially I've been walking around with what looks like a mustache for weeks now. It's brutal.

"What are you looking at?" I want to say to people I'm talking to, "What, you've never seen a woman with a mustache before?"

I asked Jordan how he felt about being married to a she-man. I expected him to say something like, "You know, it's actually not that noticeable, you really shouldn't worry about it,"
but instead, he said

"I prefer to call you 'lunch lady'."

It's embarrassing and the source of much self-consciousness. I'm a little bitter that being pregnant in itself is not good enough. It's not enough to have to watch yourself get fatter every day and to not be able to bend down and pick things up off the floor, and to have to visit the bathroom every 5 minutes, and to not be able to sleep because you can't find a comfortable position. Nope, not enough.

Bring on the sore breasts, that will all but disappear when your baby is finally done with them a year later. (just sayin')
Bring on the loose muscles that no longer allow you to control your bowels.
Bring on the stretch marks baby. More! More!
Bring on the belly line...and the hormones, make sure they swing out of control as often as possible. Bring on the big veins, and the hair loss...

And finally, bring on the faux facial hair, certain to make you the center of attention at any event.

Of course you all know that I view pregnancy as a wonderful and beautiful thing. It is truly a miraculous event. But I think you'll forgive me for being slightly hesitant to want to get pregnant again, after realizing I could end up with a full on beard the next time around.